The Conference
by Jicklet
Summary: An lousy, insane skit about KA's meeting with the characters. I don't delete my old fics on principle, but maybe I should...


Author's Note: I got the idea from Mystica's story 'Harry Potter and J K Rowling', but it turned out a lot differently.   
  
KATHERINE: Hello, and thanks for coming. Now, I've called this meeting to  
discuss your complaints about our series...  
  
MARCO: And if Cassie's parents come in, you're Frau Apfelthor, our German  
teacher from school, and you really don't speak English very well...  
  
CASSIE: And then I'll get scolded for seating my teacher in a smelly barn  
full of animals.  
  
MARCO: Then maybe she'll stop having us hold all our meetings in a smelly  
barn full of animals.  
  
JAKE: Which still doesn't solve the security.  
  
EREK's voice: Don't worry, I'll just include Katherine in my hologram.  
  
KATHERINE: Thanks. (approaches Erek) Toby Hamee, you in there somewhere? I  
wouldn't want to dump into your blades.  
  
VISSER THREE: It's a good thing I'm in Aria morph, seeing -- or rather, not  
seeing -- the people in that hologram.  
  
AX: It is indeed a good thing. I like to keep my two eyes on you.  
  
VISSER THREE: Just keep them in your head, all right?!  
  
KATHERINE's voice: (to herself) It would be too easy for me without an  
intergalactical war in Cassie's barn. (aloud) So, could we please start?  
  
RACHEL: Definitely! Now look, Katherine, I really like Harry Potter, I  
respect Joanne and I know how much money she earns...  
  
KATHERINE's voice: What are you getting at?  
  
RACHEL: ...But that's no reason to have Tobias living with his aunt and  
uncle, get his father killed off by Visser Three, then let him come back in  
a vision to save him...  
  
AX: My brother is not James Potter. We will leave it at that.  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Yeah, he looks more like the Dumbledore type to me.  
  
TOBIAS (answering Ax): That's a relief. By the way,  
since when do Andalites read Harry Potter?  
  
VISSER THREE: My host thought he was the only one, too.  
  
JAKE: And you let him read it?  
  
VISSER THREE: (airily) Oh, it's not like I LET him. He doesn't ask me, he  
just does it. One strong-willed Andalite.  
  
TOBIAS: Yeah, and if he can take control, how come we've seen none of it?  
  
VISSER THREE: All right, I'll admit it. Alloran got me hooked. That's how I  
found out I don't get half the respect Voldemort does. I mean, EVERYONE CALLS  
ME BY MY NAME! I'd really like something like The Dark Lord, at least! Aren't  
I evil enough yet? Maybe eating Elfangor wasn't enough, and now I'll have  
to eat Loren as well.  
  
KATHERINE's voice (absent-mindedly): Yes, I've been planning to address the  
Loren question...  
  
TOBIAS: Excuse me?!  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Why, what did I say? Oh, no, Visser, definitely don't eat  
Loren, or I've no idea what my next Tobias book will be about.  
  
CASSIE: Anyway, it's just not right to eat sentient beings.  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Yeah, that too.  
  
VISSER THREE: Ahem! I still demand that you refer to me as You-Know-Who!  
  
AX: Is being called the Abomination not good enough for you?  
  
VISSER THREE: Well, it's sure better than nothing, but...  
  
KATHERINE's voice: All right, if you want Voldemort, you'll get Voldemort.  
So, let's say twelve years ago, you tried unsuccessfully to kill Tobias, then  
you disappeared for ten years, and now you're living under a turban in the  
back of Alloran's head...  
  
EREK's voice: (trying to make peace) Look, Visser, a lot of people abbreviate  
your name as V3.  
  
VISSER THREE: So?  
  
EREK's voice: It's pronounced Fow-dry, and you should be glad you don't know  
what it stands for. Thank goodness, they've never actually made it, but they  
had plans.  
  
VISSER THREE: Now THAT sounds good! I've no idea what it means, but I like it  
anyway. For that I'll even let you keep my name, Katherine.  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Well, I don't exactly need your permission. And Erek,  
please don't talk too much about this at Scholastic. I've got a feeling they  
wouldn't like me to name my main bad guy after such a dangerous weapon. I  
have to stick to nice, harmless stuff like Dracon beams, Time Matrices and  
Quantum viruses...  
  
AX: Please do not mention that in front of Toby.  
  
TOBY's voice: Look, I've nothing against Andalites, I'm eighth-Andalite  
myself...  
  
AX: But you see us as a race of Allorans!  
  
VISSER THREE: (aside) That's true, too. Whenever I'm in Andalite company,  
I feel like I'm surrounded by Allorans. At least one of them, anyway.  
  
TOBY's voice: And you see us as a race that's prejudiced against   
Andalites!  
  
AX: Well, you are!  
  
JAKE (starts to get up)  
  
KATHERINE (comes half out of the hologram and taps Jake on the shoulder.  
When Jake turns to face her, she signals him to sit down, winks at him and  
smiles)  
  
TOBY's voice: Because of Andalites like you!  
  
VISSER THREE: Hey, you two! Aren't you supposed to be together on fighting  
me?  
  
AX and TOBY's voice: Indeed we are./Those two mass-murderers are right.  
  
JAKE (grins in Katherine's general direction)  
  
MARCO: Visser Three, the peacemaker.  
  
VISSER THREE: Bummer. There goes my reputation as V3. Not like I know what  
that is.  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Good, it's nothing young Yeerks should know. The main  
thing is, it never existed, so it never caused any harm.  
  
RACHEL: Just like Visser Three's power on Earth.  
  
VISSER THREE: You'll pay dearly for that remark, human girl, when I take  
power on Earth.  
  
KATHERINE's voice: So now that we have nothing serious to worry about, do you  
have any more complaints for me?  
  
CASSIE: Rachel's right about us being like Joanne's folks. I'm tired of  
giving info on animals, being kind and encouraging and understanding -- well,  
at least I don't ride 'round on broomsticks or go to three classes at once...  
  
MARCO: But you ARE a pesky, moralising...  
  
VISSER THREE: Host agrees.  
  
MARCO: ...know-it-all witch. But we still love you.  
  
TOBIAS: Look, Herm -- I mean, Cassie! I've told you a hundred times, I'M  
NOT HARRY POTTER! Is Harry a red-tailed hawk, or what?  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Thanks, Tobias, at least SOMEONE is defending me.  
  
RACHEL: What you've been doing to him is still horrible. Is there really no  
way you could get him trapped in human morph?  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Out of the question. A human without morphing powers would  
be just too normal, and we should try to avoid normalcy as much as possible.  
  
MARCO: What?! You mean a half-Andalite guy, who -- no, wait. He WOULD be too  
normal for the rest of us. Unfortunately.  
  
CASSIE: Although if I were you, Rachel, I'd be glad about the kind of  
boyfriend I had. Human, hawk, Andalite or Taxxon.  
  
TOBIAS: Nice choices I've got there.  
  
JAKE: What do you mean, Cassie?  
  
CASSIE: No offense. It's just...I guess, you're just too tied up in the  
leadership business. I can understand. With the Yeerks and all, we really  
don't have time for subtlety... (looks wistfully at Tobias)  
  
MARCO (looks wistfully at Rachel)  
  
TOBIAS: Quit looking at us like we've split up already! I still love  
Rachel!  
  
RACHEL: I love you, too, Tobias -- now for the more important things. Marco,  
how on Earth do you think...  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Chill, Rachel, don't worry, Tobias. I'll give Rachel a  
Yeerkish granny, then you can have a nice Romeo and Juliet thing.  
  
RACHEL: Katherine!  
  
KATHERINE's voice: But it would add such an interesting twist!  
  
TOBIAS: You know what? We could do with a couple fewer interesting twists.  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Oh, well, I'll keep you together anyway.  
  
CASSIE: I guess that's not so bad. Having a boyfriend in a human body has its  
own advantages, too.  
  
MARCO: You'd never have lasted with Tobias, anyway. At least not beyond the  
first week of trying to turn him into a vegetarian. But remember, I'm human  
AND I don't have duties as a leader...  
  
CASSIE: Katherine!  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Let it be, Marco, these human females are just too   
normal for you. Now here's what I've got in mind: we'll bring an Andalite  
girl to Earth, have her stuck in human morph...  
  
MARCO: You know what? I'd rather just stay single.  
  
RACHEL: Congratulations, Katherine. I haven't been able to get that result  
for almost four years.  
  
AX: Princess Katherine has superb leadership skills.  
  
VISSER THREE: (looks at the Animorphs) She'd...Cass...I say, "She'd have to",  
get it, Ayessee?! Who's in charge of this body, anyway?!?!?!  
  
AX: (looks at the visser) Yes, she would.  
  
RACHEL: (shouting in disbelief) Aaay-ess-see-eee?! Now who on Earth is THAT?!  
  
TOBY's voice: Alloran-Semitur-Corrass. Like we could ever forget.  
  
AX: Here we go again, as the humans would say.  
  
TOBY's voice: But the one inside him we can forget even less.  
  
MARCO: I'm certainly not gonna forget him, break-dancing like this.  
  
VISSER THREE: NOW LOOK HERE, SEMITUR, AND STOP JERKIN' ME 'ROUND!  
Literally... AND QUIT USING MY OWN VOICE TO TALK BACK, OR EVERYONE'S GONNA  
THINK I'M INSANE! And they're also going to be right. NOW WHAT DID I  
JUST SAY?!  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Talk about an inner dialogue.  
  
VISSER THREE: YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK YET, FOUR-EYES!  
  
CASSIE: Great, now I'll have another sick Andalite to nurse.  
  
AX: At least this one already has a Yeerk in his head. Even though he's  
harming more than he's helping.  
  
VISSER THREE: WHY DIDN'T I SWITCH TO LOW-CHOLESTEROL GRASS BEFORE IT WAS TOO  
LATE?  
  
CASSIE: I mean, no offense, Ax, Alloran, but is this a haybarn or a  
hospital for aliens?  
  
MARCO: I think it's a nuthouse.  
  
VISSER THREE: ALLIE, YOU'RE MIDDLE-AGED AND ONLY TWO OF YOUR HEARTS ARE  
HEALTHY! This morph doesn't even HAVE two hearts! OH, MY GOODNESS. I JUST  
HOPE I MORPHED ONE OF THE HEALTHY ONES. ARE YOU INSANE TO GET THE BOTH OF  
US ANGRY WHEN WE HAVE ONLY ONE HEART?! Why, did you think I just make  
random attacks? AND YOU'RE MAKING ME TOO MAD TO DEMORPH!  
  
TOBY's voice: These are the times when I think he does have something good  
in him.  
  
AX: Which half of the Abomination are you referring to?  
  
TOBY's voice: Then again, some Andalites can't understand anything...  
  
VISSER THREE: AND TO THINK MY HOST IS THE ENVY OF THE WHOLE EMPIRE! BUT YOU  
JUST WAIT, I CAN GO MAZO, TOO! (starts tearing his hair)  
  
CASSIE (hangs her head and covers her eyes)  
  
TOBIAS: Act sane, Aria, or you'll never get custody of me.  
  
MARCO: Couldn't we just put him in a straitjacket and end the war?  
  
TOBY's voice: Even Alloran doesn't deserve this Yeerk.  
  
AX: I agree. Two wrongs do not make a right.  
  
TOBY's voice: Like you say on the Andalite homeworld?  
  
AX: No, like they say on Earth.  
  
VISSER THREE: (clutching his heart) AHHHH! I'M ALREADY PUNISHING YOU EVERY  
WAY I CAN THINK OF, AND...  
  
KATHERINE's voice (quietly): Esplin.  
  
VISSER THREE (cont'd): ...THAT MEANS WE WILL HAVE TO MAKE A  
DEAL! Never! I WON'T TORTURE YOU IF YOU LEAVE MY BODY ALONE! (he  
keeps jerking his head and changing his expression) OH, ALL RIGHT, I WON'T  
TORTURE YOU ANYWAY! (the jerking doesn't stop)  
  
TOBY's voice: Good. And if you ever try to make him feel guilty about the  
Hork-Bajir, you'll have me to deal with. (mutters) Taking away my job like  
that...  
  
VISSER THREE (laughing): Don't you worry about him, he can make me feel a  
thousand times as guilty. (he points one hand at Cassie, the other at his  
own heart) Okay, Al, you've got thirty seconds, but one more attempt at  
blackmailing me...Cassie's attitude has been simply unacceptable lately.  
  
CASSIE (snaps up her head, which she had kept hung till now)  
  
VISSER THREE: I suppose that in an upcoming book, she will wish to talk to me  
alone by letting Esplin out of my head and into her own...Dashed talkative  
Andalite! Oh, by the way, it's the visser again.  
  
JAKE: We'd never have noticed.  
  
TOBY's voice: Yes, Alloran. And when you're free, you'll unleash a Quantum  
virus on Cassie.  
  
AX: Excuse me, but have we not agreed that the burden of killing the visser  
rests upon my shoulders, not upon War-Prince Alloran-Semitur-Corrass'?  
  
VISSER THREE: See why I call him Lorry for short?  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Lorry?! The things you Yeerks come up with! And then  
of course I'm the last one to know. As usual.  
  
VISSER THREE: It's because he's a British-American Andalite. If he had grown  
up in the US, I'd call him Truck.  
  
MARCO: And I thought we resistance fighters were insane.  
  
AX: Ah, the humiliation of it.  
  
VISSER THREE: And it's not even the worst he does to me. And, Aximili, I do  
think I have a right to avenge my own, SHUT UP, YOU FILTHY ANDALITE! And if  
you take control just one more time, I'll commit suicide, so neither you nor  
the little Esgarrouth will have the honor of killing me.  
  
TOBY's voice: Come on, Alloran, I know you'll do it sometime. (notices  
everyone looking in her general direction) Common enemy, I guess.  
  
VISSER THREE: Hey, I thought you and me had a common enemy. In the person of  
Allie.  
  
TOBY's voice: Oh, yes, I see an enemy in Alloran. Actually, I don't see him,  
but he's there all the same. Wrapped around his brain.  
  
AX: Returning to the subject, Visser Three's suicide is an excellent idea.  
That way we might even be able to spare the life of his future host  
Cassie, although, of course, the chances for that are extremely slim. Now,  
War-Prince Alloran, the Andalite laws of honor tell us to...  
  
RACHEL: Ax?! Alloran?! I don't give a hoot about who's killing Visser Three,  
so long as someone does it soon, but nobody's killing Cassie 'round here!!!  
  
VISSER THREE: Listen to the woman, Allie. Unlike certain ruthless Andalites  
that I know, she has the right way of...hey, what am I saying?!  
  
TOBY's voice: The truth.  
  
AX: (exasperated) I know he was ruthless, but do not tell me! I was not even  
born then!  
  
TOBY's voice: (cont'd) Rachel's right about killing you.  
  
AX: Oh, that is what you mean. I agree with you fully.  
  
JAKE: Let's take a vote. Rachel, Toby, Ax and I are for killing the visser.  
Who else is? (counting hands and wings) Marco, Tobias...  
  
VISSER THREE: One for, one against. You can guess.  
  
CASSIE: So long as we spare Alloran, I'm for.  
  
EREK's voice: Well, I'm not going to stop you....  
  
KATHERINE's voice: Hey, hey, hey! I need a bad guy in the series! Now you  
see, Visser, why I can't ever leave my characters on their own?  
  
VISSER THREE: I couldn't agree more. I've always believed in using a firm  
hand with subordinates.  
  
KATHERINE: (comes out of the hologram and takes the visser's hand) At last  
I've found someone who truly understands my problems... (She twists his arm,  
then knocks him unconscious and starts on her way out of the barn.) I'll come  
and check on you in two hours. Promise me you won't kill the visser, I need  
him alive. But having Alloran trapped in Aria morph WOULD add an interesting  
twist...  



End file.
